Back To Basics
by NeitherSparky
Summary: Car chases! Road Menace! Even Megavolt in drag! Again!
1. Chapter One

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter One_**

"Uhhh...Are we in trouble?" 

Quackerjack shot Megavolt a terrified glance. "You're asking that _now?_" he squawked as they both cringed in the corner. "Doesn't the enraged chainsaw-wielding duck in front of us give it away?" 

Negaduck lowered the smoking power tool. "Now, boys," he said, his voice suddenly soothing (and consequently ten times more frightening). "Tell me in your own words exactly what happened back there." 

"Well, ah..." 

"We didn't" 

"It wasn't" 

"There was a" 

"SHUT UP!" Negaduck revved the chainsaw. The two villains in the corner obeyed immediately. 

"Do...do you think he'll kill them?" Bushroot whispered to the Liquidator from where they stood, watching, on the other side of the abandoned travel office. 

"Never underestimate the slicing capability of your average weapon of destruction," the Liquidator murmured back. 

Quackerjack threw himself forward, and crawled on his hands and knees towards his furious boss. "It was an accident, Negaduck!" he wailed. "It won't happen again!" 

Negaduck turned off the chainsaw, and leaned over to touch his bill to Quackerjack's. "That's right," he hissed, "it won't. I'm tired of being mopped up by that sicko Darkwing Duck...And _this_ time was entirely your fault_And_ yours!" he shouted at Megavolt, who had begun to edge away towards a window. 

Negaduck turned around and regarded Bushroot and the Liquidator coolly. "What do _you_ two think about what your teammates did tonight?" he asked them. 

Bushroot and the Liquidator glanced at eachother, and did not reply. 

"Was it _bumbling?_ Was it _moronic?_" Negaduck walked in a slow circle around the silent villains. "Does it make you _angry_ that because of those two we could all be taking an extended vacation _behind bars?_" He stopped to face Bushroot. 

"What about you, Veggie?" Negaduck narrowed his eyes at the plant-duck, who swallowed nervously. "Do _you_ think your teammates deserve to be punished?" 

Bushroot's gaze wandered to the far corner, where Quackerjack and Megavolt still cowered, then to the floor. He didn't dare to give an answer. 

Negaduck wasn't expecting one. He turned to the accused, enjoying the way they seemed to wilt under his scrutiny. "Well..._I_ think they deserve to be punished," he said slowly. 

"Whatwhat are you going to do?" stammered Megavolt, pressing himself against the wall. 

"Well, let's see." Negaduck stroked his chin. "I could _kill_ you" 

This suggestion elicited a yelp of terror from everyone, and Negaduck smiled. 

"But I won't, _this_ time." Negaduck put the chainsaw down on the desk, then approached a wall. On it was a poster advertising the unprecedented joys of visiting Swizzleland. 

"No, not this time," he repeated, running his finger along the Swizzleland horizon. "Not even after the shameless way you _idiots_ insist on misusing your superpowersOr whatever the case may be," he added, glancing sidelong at Quackerjack, who sighed. "In fact," Negaduck said, his expression becoming thoughtful, "I wonder if you two would make _better_ villains _without_ them." 

He whirled suddenly to face the corner once again. "That's it," he said. "You two prove to me that you can cut it as _ordinary_ criminals, and _I_ won't do you grievous bodily harm." He grinned nastily. 

"You mean" Quackerjack gasped"no more toys?" 

Negaduck's grin widened. "No more toys." 

"No more Nutty Putty? No moreno more Rubber Duckies?" 

"Nope." 

"So..." Megavolt trailed off as he tried to form a coherent thought. "What are you saying?" 

Negaduck glowered. "No more _juice_, you nob!" he shouted. "None! Zero! Zip!" He leapt forward and seized both Quackerjack and Megavolt by the collars. "Read my lips, you pathetic morons," he began, lowering his voice. "As of right now, you two are ordinary Joes. No more toys, no more electricity, no more gimmicks. Just go out there, and pull off something worth my notice. And if you use your pathetic excuses for talents even _once_ before you are done, I will find you and _personally_ kill you. Got it?" 

Quackerjack and Megavolt indicated that they got it by making several incoherent mewling noises. 

"Good. Nowhere's the plan: you go out, you steal something _big_, and you take it to the old abandoned ammunition factory by midnight tomorrow." Negaduck arched an eyebrow, an indication that he wanted assurance that he was understood. Quackerjack and Megavolt nodded hastily in response. "You succeed, you're back in the Five, and everything's back to abnormal around here. You _fail_..." He trailed off, with another arching of an eyebrow. Again, he was understood. 

"Now get out of my sight."


	2. Chapter Two

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Two_**

"I _hate_ this place." Quackerjack clutched Mr. Banana Brain protectively while keeping a watchful eye on the denizens of the bar. "It's so..._unclean_." 

Megavolt ignored his companion's complaints. "We're _doomed_," he moaned into his coffee. "We're dead. Negaduck's gonna kill us. He is. How are we gonna make it without our powers?" Then he paused, and glowered at Quackerjack, who was removing an unidentifiable object from the bar in front of him with a pencil. "Waitaminute, what am I saying 'we' for? _You_ don't even _have_ any powers!" 

Quackerjack looked up. "Hey!" he exclaimed, offended. "Don't get all uppity with _me_. Negaduck took all _my_ stuff _before_ he made _you_ drain your battery. Besides, _I_ get along just _fine_ without superpowers. I have _other_ skills." 

"Oh, what, you mean jumping around like a loaded kangaroo rat?" Megavolt didn't wait for a response. "We are, without a doubt, dead." 

Quackerjack sighed heavily. "We probably are," he grudgingly agreed. "Without our gimmicks, we're all washed up. No one will take us seriously." 

A chair sailed over the heads of the two ex-gang members to smash loudly against the wall. 

Megavolt whirled around. "Hey!" he yelled at the towering, burly canine who had hurled the chair. "Can you keep it down? I'm trying to think!" He stopped short upon taking note of the thug's enormity. "Uh oh." 

Quackerjack gasped, and clutched Megavolt's arm fearfully. "Mega_volt!_" he hissed. "Are you trying to get us killed? Don't you know it isn't safe practice to argue with someone who outweighs you by half a ton?" 

But to their surprise, the thug actually cowered in fear. "S-Sorry, Mr. Megavolt, Mr. Quackerjack," he stammered, backing off. "I didn't see yous sittin' dere...A tousand pardons." And with that he scurried off to a far corner of the bar. 

"Well that was unusual." Quackerjack scratched his head. 

"Yeah," Megavolt agreed. "Why would _he_ be afraid of _us?_" 

"Probably because you're both members of the most dangerous gang in St. Canard." 

Quackerjack and Megavolt blinked at Mr. Banana Brain in surprise. 

"He's _right!_" exclaimed Megavolt, slapping his forehead. "I _knew_ there was a reasonUh, Quacky, you there?" 

Quackerjack, who had begun staring off into space, brightened suddenly. "A _gang!_" he cried, grabbing Megavolt by the shoulders and shaking him like a rag doll. "We need a _gang!_ That's how we'll do it!" 

"Huh? What?" Megavolt frowned in confusion as his plug hat slipped over his eyes. "What are we doing?" 

Quackerjack released Megavolt, who had to clutch frantically at the counter to keep from falling off of his barstool. "We'll get together a gang of the best non-superpowered criminals around to help us pull off the heist!" explained the jester excitedly. "_That'll_ show Negaduck what we can do!" 

"Non-superpowered criminals, huh?" Megavolt frowned skeptically. "Like who?" 

Quackerjack considered. "Remember that time last month, when Moliarty tried to collapse the entire city by digging all those tunnels, and the plan failed, and Moliarty was forced to go topside by the rest of the moles?" 

"No." 

Quackerjack rolled his eyes. "You need to get a new TV set, Megs." 

"Hey, the last one tried to kill me. Call me paranoid." Megavolt shrugged. "Besides, there's nothing wrong with _your_ TV." 

"Well, whatever." Quackerjack leaned in conspiratorially. "_I_ know Moliarty's web page addy. We can go there and track him down. _He'll_ want to join our gang for sure, so he can rejoin the Mole Alliance, or whatever they call themselves." The jester stood up. "Come onWe'll use the computer at your place." 

"I thought you hated my place. I thought you said it smelled like an army of bubonic rats died in there." 

"I do. It does. But you've got a faster modem." 

"True enough." 

They wandered outside and climbed into Megavolt's car. Megavolt started to put his finger to the ignition, stopped, then grudgingly retrieved the key from his pocket. Being grounded was turning out to be a real drag. But either way, Megavolt got the car started and soon he had launched it, tires and Quackerjack screaming, into oncoming traffic.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

After first glancing around to make sure no one was watching, Negaduck dove head-first into a mailbox. Seconds later, he poked his head out and glanced around again. 

_Idiots_, he thought darkly to himself, and he lovingly fingered the detonator. Well, they would be out of his feathers soon enough. 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Going ninety-eight miles an hour, it took only forty-five seconds to reach Megavolt's apartment. Megavolt jumped the curb and flattened an unsuspecting mailbox. 

"Tampering with the mail is a serious offense, you know," commented Quackerjack as he climbed shakily out of the car. 

"Oh yeah?" returned Megavolt, switching on the car alarm. "Next thing you know, there'll be a law against tearing the tags off of mattresses! Come on, let's go, I need coffee." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Negaduck crawled, gasping, out of the decimated mailbox with some difficulty. "Say bye-bye, morons," he whispered hoarsely, and gleefully jammed his thumb down on the detonator's button. 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"All I'm saying," Quackerjack went on as they climbed the stairs, "is that keeping dirty socks in your fruit bowl isn't sanitary." 

"Hey," argued Megavolt, reaching for the doorknob, "I'll keep my apartment any way I please!" 

Violent tremors, accompanied by a loud booming noise, consumed the apartment building. Megavolt opened his door anyway. He and Quackerjack impassively surveyed the rubble that was once Megavolt's living room in silence for a moment. 

"You redecorated," said Quackerjack at last, and he sniffed tentatively. "Is that a new air freshener?" 

Megavolt frowned at the gaping hole that now dominated the room's floor. "Did you ever play 'Pitfall'?" 

Quackerjack blinked at the melted mass of silicone that bubbled noisily from a charred desk. "Gee Megs, it looks like its time for an upgrade." The duck shrugged. "Let's just go to my place," he suggested. "_I_ at least have four walls." 

"You've _always_ got to find a fault, haven't you?" 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Negaduck, his hat crumpled and his cape torn, stood on the corner and watched Megavolt's electric car head uptown. A minor setback. He'd get them. Those two were going to be drywall if _he_ had anything to say about it. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Three_**

"Hey! I found the _Tamogotchis Ate My Sister_ web page!" 

Megavolt switched on the cappuccino maker and stood back. "Will you quit fooling around?" he shouted down the hallway. "Find out where that mole is so we can get out of here!" He took a step toward the espresso machine, but stopped when something growled ominously behind him. Megavolt turned around and found himself feet-to-face with a huge grey alleycat, crouched on the apartment's blue carpet. The cat yowled and promptly affixed herself to Megavolt's boot. 

"Koosh, what is your problem?" Megavolt shook his leg in a vain attempt to dislodge the cat, who only dug in her claws more deeply. "I am _not_ a catnip toy!..Quackerjack!" he shouted, "your stupid cat is attacking me again!" 

"Don't call my cats stupid!" came the reply. "Hey! I found _Roger Ebert's Little Movie Glossary On-Line!_" 

Megavolt hopped to a closet, opened it, extracted a broom, and began trying frantically to sweep Koosh off of his leg. Koosh didn't appreciate this latest assault and detached herself from Megavolt's jumpsuit. Then, tail held high in indignation, she stalked off to curl up on the couch. 

Megavolt threw the broom to the floor in disgust and resumed his previous activities, which included getting impatient with the cappuccino machine and putting it onto a burner of the stove. 

"Ok, I got it," said Quackerjack, wandering out of the back room. He put a small orange cat down on the floor. "Go outside, Tinkerbelle," he told her, then he turned aroundand cried out in terror. "What have you done to my cappuccino machine?" he blurted, rushing to the machine's side as if it needed medical assistance. "It's all scorched!" 

Megavolt shrugged unconcernedly "Well don't blame _me_," he replied. "It's not _my_ fault you buy cheap coffee makers." 

"It isn't_wasn't_a coffee maker." Quackerjack gritted his teeth. "It was my top-of-the-line Italian cappuccino machine...'Italian' as in 'From Italy.' The shipping alone cost me a fortune!" 

"Oh, get over it alreadyWhere's Moliarty?" 

Quackerjack, after turning off the burner, straightened up and fished a scrap of paper from his pocket. "He's working out of an office on Northwood," he said, reading over his notes. "He'll be there until four a.m. It's only one now." 

"Fine, let's go." Megavolt grabbed a mug and the decimated cappuccino machine for the road. "I can't believe I'm missing _Mystery Science Theatre_ for this..." he grumped as they headed back down to the street. 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"No, no, noand again, _NO!_" 

Quackerjack sputtered. "ButBut you haven't even let us tell you what we want you to _do_ first!" 

"It doesn't matter." Moliarty folded his arms and pivoted to face the wall. "I _won't_ be any part of one of the Fearsome Five's schemes." And with that he shut his eyes, as if that would make the two villains behind him disappear. 

Of course, this didn't work, and when the mole glanced experimentally over his shoulder, there they were: blinking at him rather stupidly. Disgusted, Moliarty forgot the fear that he had previously been trying to conceal and slammed his palm down on his desk. 

"What do you _want_, a nicely formatted, carbon-copied request to vacate my office?" Moliarty huffed in his impatience. "Can't a mole get anything done in peace around here?..Oh, bother," he added, sinking into a chair. "Now I suppose your rodentine friend is going to par-broil me." 

Quackerjack glanced at Megavolt. "Whathim?" he asked Moliarty. "Of _course_ not! We wouldn't do anything like _that_..." He trailed off as Moliarty's expression turned to one of utter disbelief. "Well, not _today_, anyway," the duck went on. "You see, we need your help." 

"We're on a mission from Negaduck," began Megavolt. 

"A _gang?_" Moliarty wondered aloud as soon as Megavolt had finished a hasty explanation. "I'm afraid I'm not exactly the gangster type." 

"If you've got no superpowers, you're the right type." Quackerjack sat on the corner of Moliarty's desk. "So, you in?" 

"Or do we have to..._kill you?_" asked Mr. Banana Brain. 

Moliarty regarded the puppet and then its wielder with an uneasy eye. "Ah...let me check my datebook." Moliarty opened a desk drawer and ducked down over it to hide his expression. _These people are insane!_ he thought anxiously, and he peeked cautiously over the top of the desk. 

Megavolt and Quackerjack waved cheerfully. Moliarty ducked back down again hastily. _Completely certifiable! But-I_ do _need the work_... Moliarty's shoulders slumped as the mole resigned himself. He would have to put up with these crackpotspotentially dangerous onesfor the next twenty-four hours; he had no choice. 

Moliarty straightened up, a one-hundred-per-cent artificial smile plastered across his face. Megavolt and Quackerjack grinned back immediately in response. 

"You boys have got a deal," Moliarty said with as much enthusiasm as he could dredge up. "I would beahempleased to be a part of your..._illustrious_ gang." And he shook each of their hands in turn. 

"Well this is great!" enthused Quackerjack. "Now we've got a real gang!" 

"But there's only three of us," Megavolt pointed out. "Some gang." 

"We need some more non-superpowered criminals..." Quackerjack paced Moliarty's office briefly. "I've got it!" he cried. "The Mad Director!" 

Megavolt rubbed his chin. "Yeah," he agreed. "And...what about that short guy with the weird accent and the big iguana?" 

Moliarty pressed his fingertips together. "You boys wouldn't be talking about Tuskernini and Jambalayah Jake, would you?" he queried smoothly. 

"Yeah, so?" chorused the other two. 

"_So_," responded the mole evenly, "you'll never be able to get _them_. They're _far_ too busy to join any little gang you two could hurl at them. It's entirely hopeless." 

"Hey!" Quackerjack was offended. "What could be more important than our gang?" 

Megavolt was miffed as well. "What, do they have _lives_ or something?" he demanded. 

"Something like that," Moliarty answered. "Tuskernini is currently the owner and operator of the St. Canard Regal Operahouse, while Jambalayah Jake is under the taloned thumb of his grandmother. You'll never be able to get either of them to just drop what they're doing and go cavorting about with _you_." 

Quackerjack pouted. "What if they _wanted_ to cavort with us?" he said sourly. 

"You'll see what they have to say when we ask them in person to join," Megavolt told the mole. "We have the best references in the city!" 

Moliarty held up his hands. "You boys go right ahead," he told the other two. "You'll see what I mean." 

And so after making plans to meet under the St. Canard Museum at five p.m., Quackerjack and Megavolt left Moliarty alone in his office to ponder on the wisdom of his decision. 


	4. Chapter Four

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Four_**

"I never could understand the appeal of opera," Megavolt remarked to Quackerjack as they pulled up in front of the Royal Operahouse later that morning. "I mean, how can someone sing while they're dying, or just after running ten miles, or whatever?" 

"Ah, it's 'culture,'"Quackerjack told him. "You're not supposed to understand it." 

The two watched in silence as an astounding number of people filed into the building. "I've never heard of people going to an opera before noon," Megavolt said at last. 

"Must be a matinee. Let's go." 

Megavolt affixed a daunting-looking theft-deterrent device to the steering wheel of the car, then the two villains walked up the steps of the operahouse and went inside. 

The lobby was vast ("Much bigger than the one at Shubird Theatre," Quackerjack pointed out), and entirely decorated in red. Red carpeting, red furnishings, even a painting which was nothing but a canvas covered in plain red. 

"I see you're admiring my 'Poppies In A Crimson Field,'" stated Tuskernini, waddling up behind the other two. "An absolutely striking piece; I simply _had_ to have it for my newest endeavor, despite the ridiculously inflated price tag. IMy word," the walrus interrupted himself. "You two are part of the Fearsome Five, am I right?" 

Megavolt held up his hand. "We" 

"No, no, no, don't tell me." Tuskernini waved his handkerchief indulgently. "You two are here to partake in some high art, are you? Yes, yes," he went on, bobbing his round head, "you men have exceedingly elevated tastes: 'Romance In The Trenches' is among the most well-received of any opera this century has seen. I wrote it myself, naturally." 

Megavolt took a step forward. "We" 

"Why, this moment must go down in the annals of rogue history. Cecil! Otto!" boomed Tuskernini, clapping his hands sharply. "Bring the equipment!" 

A pair of penguins appeared from somewhere toting a movie camera and tripod. They quickly set up the camera to point at the discombobulated Quackerjack and Megavolt. 

"Fine, fine, very fine!" Tuskernini nodded his approval. "Now...Where's Dmitri?" 

Cecil and Otto shrugged and shook their heads. 

"Con_found_ it!" swore the walrus, losing his patience. "That Antarctic layabout! I should _never_ have trusted him with my good clapboard!" 

At that moment a third penguin clutching a clapboard nearly as wide as he was tall came skittering around the corner to join the other two. Thoroughly out of breath he stood there, casting appealing glances about the room. Cecil and Otto rolled their eyes. 

"Dmitri!" scolded Tuskernini. "Where have you been?" 

Dmitri responded by going into a series of pantomimes involving primarily the frantic waving of flippers and a lot of hopping up and down. When he was finished he was so exhausted he collapsed on the floor. 

Tuskernini became flustered. "What? _What?_" he demanded, although clearly not expecting an answer. "_Im_possible!" He turned to Quackerjack and Megavolt, who hadn't budged an inch. "I'm afraid there's been a bit of trouble in the orchestra pit, gentlemen," he told them. "A sweet old lady has fallen into it. I must away before I have a lawsuit on my hands...That's a take!" he shouted at the penguins, and waddled hastily out of the lobby. Cecil and Otto instantly gathered up the camera and tripod and hurriedly followed Tuskernini, trampling poor Dmitri, who managed to scurry after them with the clapboard nonetheless. 

"What a weirdo," commented Mr. Banana Brain. 

"He's perfect," said Megavolt, and the two villains entered the theatre. 

Upon Quackerjack's insistence they headed up to a balcony. On their way up the stairs Megavolt confiscated a pair of opera glasses from a rather startled gentlemen, then the two took a seat. 

"Do you think they sell churros here?" Megavolt wondered aloud. 

"Shh!" Quackerjack told him. "The opera's starting!" 

The two villains sat in silence as the curtain went up, revealing a large woman in a white nurse's uniform. She began to sing, something about 'life here under the flak.' As she sang, she was joined on-stage by a chorus of men in gas masks, who began to sing background verses. However, their lyrics were completely indecipherable due to the masks. 

"Boy is _this_ dumb," grunted Megavolt after only ten seconds. 

"Gimmee those," said Quackerjack, taking the opera glasses. After doing away with the holder, he peered through them at the audience below. "There's Tuskernini in the front row," he said. 

Megavolt took the glasses back and looked for himself. Sure enough, Tuskernini was sitting in the center of the first row. He took up two seats. Cecil, Otto, and Dmitri were there, too, filmingnot the opera, but Tuskernini's reaction to it. 

"Let's grab cuspid-boy and get out of here," said Megavolt, putting a hand on his stomach. "That mortar they just released is making me a little queasy." 

Quackerjack frowned. "But he'll never notice us if we're way up here..." He thought a moment, then grinned. "No problem," he said. "Come on." 

Tuskernini allowed a tear to come to his eye as the nurse finished her song and tripped offstage, followed by the Chorus. _I hope those incompetent avians caught that burst of spontaneous emotion_, he thought. _I'm_ such _a genius_. He wiped the tear away with an oversized handkerchief, then, for good measure, he blew his nose loudly. 'It never hurts to overdo things' had always been his motto. After a second's consideration, he opted to keep the handkerchief out, since the very next scene was the one in which the nurse falls in love with the soldier hero, and he would probably need it then. After a quick glance in Cecil's direction to make sure the camera was still trained solely on his face, Tuskernini turned his attention back to the stage, where two figures appeared from behind the curtain. _This is it!_ thought the walrus elatedly. 

Megavolt adjusted his little white nurse's hat and began to sing, as loudly and as badly as he could, something about woe. 

"It couldn't be," Tuskernini whispered hoarsely. 

Quackerjack, dressed head to toe in army drab (with the exception of his cap), appeared on-stage next to Megavolt. Mr. Banana Brain, dressed as a large grenade, dangled from the duck's belt. He joined in the song, but not before changing the topic to despair. 

Tuskernini vaulted himself out of his seat and began gesticulating wildly at his three assistants. "Get those two uncultured crackpots out of my fabulous production!" he howled. 

The audience, meanwhile, had all begun filing out of the theatre shaking their heads and muttering about getting their money back. Tuskernini screeched in horror. 

"You!" he cried, pointing a shaking finger at Megavolt and Quackerjack, who only lifted their eyebrows and pointed at their own chests in mock surprise. "You _troglodytes_ have _ruined_ my reputation as a creator of fine stage performances! Just what do you think you are doing? 

"We're on a mission from Negaduck," Megavolt was finally able to say at last. 

Tuskernini blinked. 


	5. Chapter Five

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Five_**

"Well, our ranks are increasing," Megavolt remarked as he was forced to step on the brakes again. 

"At least in poundage." Quackerjack frowned at the backed-up traffic and shouted over the angry honking of horns: "What do you think is blocking the road?" 

Megavolt leaned out of the window and peered at the horizon. "It looks like a parade or something." He squinted. "Small parade. I wonder why they're all dressed in purple masks and capes." 

"Lemmee see." Quackerjack pulled the opera glasses from his sleeve. "I don't believe it," he said. 

"What?" 

"Just pull off of the road and get ahead of this mess." 

Megavolt wrenched the wheel to the right and stamped on the gas. When he had reached the front of the traffic, he twisted the wheel violently to the left, jumping the car back onto the street. 

"A warning would be nice!" yelled Quackerjack, disengaging his bill from the glove compartment. He peered over the dashboard. "Do you see what I see?" 

"Yeahand it's not a pretty sight," Megavolt commented as the Darkwing Duck Fan Club Parade inched their way across the street, amid the impatient honking of car horns and swearing of irritated commuters. 

"Well, what are you waiting for? Gun it!" 

Megavolt did. 

"Heyheyhey!" screamed Darkwing, leaping aside just in time as the yellow, red, and blue electric car squealed past, sending his (few) fans scattering. To his dismay, it also sent his signed glossies scattering, and he scrambled frantically after them. 

"Hold the phone!" Darkwing squinted after the departing vehicle, from which derisive laughter drifted. "That's Megavolt's car! Andthat's Quackerjack's doll!" he added when an orange-and-red clad arm holding Mr. Banana Brain thrust itself out of the car window and displayed the puppet in an insulting pose. "Those parade-wrecking perpetrators won't get away with _this!_" swore the duck furiously. "You hear me?" he shouted after the car, which promptly disappeared around a bend in the road, "You'll pay for those glossies! Every last one!..Launchpad!" he shrieked. 

"What is it, DW?" asked Launchpad, hurrying out of a nearby Hamburger Hippo, his arms and bill stuffed with food. 

"Bring..." Darkwing took a steadying breath, "the Ratcatcher." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"You're not slowing down...Megavolt, you're not_Megavolt!_" yelped Quackerjack as Megavolt sent more airport patrons running. "Signal first, okay?" 

"Where _is_ Gate Twenty-Six, anyway?" muttered Megavolt, pointedly ignoring the jester's side-seat driving. "Darn it, I _hate_ being late for a plane!" 

"Well, take the escalator," huffed Quackerjack. "I doubt if the gate is next to the luggage check-in." 

Saying nothing, Megavolt drove up the escalator, forcing dozens of people to find creative ways to avoid being run over. 

"Look out for the security cartToo late. Hey Megs," said Quackerjack, suddenly brightening, "Let's play Road Menace! Twenty points for any bald guy." 

"Well get the scorecard, there's a whole herd of 'em," responded Megavolt, swerving violently. In his attempt to rack up points, Megavolt steered the car through various small shops. Merchandise fell like confetti. 

"You missed that last one," chided Quackerjack, then shifted as something sailed through the open passenger-side window. "Ugh, an airport bagel. I hate these things. They're as hard as rocks." 

"Oh, for crying out loud," swore Megavolt, glancing at the rearview mirror. "Now that lunatic duck is following us." 

"What?" Quackerjack twisted around. "Terrific. Hey! There it is! Gate Twenty-Six!" 

Megavolt stamped on the breaks. "Great, we've passed it." Without saying another word, he shifted into reverse, draped his right arm over the back of his seat, and, looking over his shoulder, careened directly towards the Ratcatcher. 

"So you want to play chicken, do you?" Darkwing narrowed his eyes at the oncoming car. "Well I have news for you, pal: Nobody makes a chicken out of Darkwing Du_uuuuuck!_" he screamed as the collision sent him flying with a great deal of indignity into a bookstand. The bookstand's proprietor rushed over immediately to shake his fist at the duck and babble something in an identifiable language. 

"I'll give you my credit card number," Darkwing growled, digging his way out of the pile. "_Now_ what are those lunatics doing?" he wondered aloud as Megavolt switched back into drive and sped right into the loading tunnel, the Ratcatcher plastered to the trunk of the car. 

"_Now_ what are you doing?" Quackerjack demanded as Megavolt screeched to a halt. "There's no room in here to even open up the car doors! How are we supposed to get onto the plane?" 

"You know what?" asked Megavolt evenly as he took the bagel from where it lay on top of the parking brake, "you ask too many questions." And with that he heaved the bagel at the car's windshield. 

"Halt! Stop! Desist!" Darkwing yelled futiley at the villains, who scrambled out of the car through the now-absent windshield, over the hood, and past a startled stewardess into the plane. "Swell...Launch_paaad!_" 

Launchpad emerged from a demolished Hamburger Hippo airport stand, wiping pie crumbs off of his bill with the back of his hand. "Yeah, DW?" 

"...Bring the Thunderquack." 


	6. Chapter Six

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Six_**

"Oooh, how I hate maps!" Megavolt crumpled up the map in disgust and threw it into the swamp. 

Quackerjack gasped and started forward to rescue the map, but thought better of it as the paper soaked up some of the grey water. "Well, that's perfect," complained the duck sourly, "now how are we supposed to find the place?" 

"We can ask directions." 

"Oh, sure," responded Quackerjack, folding his arms. He looked around. "Hey, why don't we ask that huge axe-wielding nutcase over _there_ for directions, then?" he said with forced sarcasm, gesturing to a nearby man who was splitting entire trees with a handaxe the size of a halberd. 

Megavolt turned around. "Oh! Good idea, Quacky! _He_ looks like a local." And before Quackerjack could stop him Megavolt strode right up to the immense woodchopper and tapped him politely on the shoulder. 

"Eh?" snarled the woodchopper, turning his scarred, unshaven face toward the two villains. "Who you? Whaddya want?" 

"Excuse me," said Megavolt, ignoring the panicked duck at his elbow, "can you tell us how to get to" here he rechecked something scrawled on the palm of his glove"Grammy Whammy's Hex Shop and Antiques?" 

The woodchopper paused, then grinned widely, revealing his yellowed, broken teeth. "Why sure 'nough!" he roared, tossing his axe over his shoulder. The axe embedded itself into a Cyprus tree and remained there, vibrating. "I get all my mojo work done there! Follow me!" And with that the man started up the road. 

Megavolt and Quackerjack followed the woodchopper to the end of the road, down a muddy path, and finally to the edge of the bijou. "There 'tis," announced the man proudly, pointing to a small, dilapidated shack half in and half out of the water. The sign hanging precariously above the shack's door read: _Grammy Whammy'sYour Last Stop For Hexes, Mojo, Voodoo, and Victorian Lamps_. The villains nodded their thanks to the departing woodchopper, then stepped into the shop. 

Inside, they were greeted by the overwhelming stench of sandalwood and roasted peppers. They were immediately thereafter greeted by a stout, squat woman with wild grey hair. 

"Well, what'll it be, boys?" the woman demanded, scrambling up a stepstool to gain a better vantage point (which was still rather low). "Lift a curse? Turn yer boss into a toad?" She squinted at Quackerjack. "A little cosmetic conjuring, perhaps?" 

Quackerjack touched his bill in surprise, then put his hands on his hips in indignation. 

"Actually, we're on a mission from Negaduck," Megavolt said. 

Grammy's eyebrows shot up as if they were powered by rocket fuel. "Negaduck, eh?" she snarled, suddenly vicious. "Why, that sorry excuse fer pillow stuffin' owes me money, sure 'nough! You boys here to pay off his debt, are ya?" 

The jester shrugged. "Um...no, not really..." 

Grammy pounced on Quackerjack and clung to the front of his costume. "Well _somebody_ better'd give me my money!" she howled. "Else I start turning you here boys into gater food!" 

A few minutes of hasty apologies and the turning out of pockets satisfied Grammy, and she resumed her previous state of calm. 

"Now git," she said over her shoulder as she disappeared through the back door. There was a sudden clattering from the back room, followed by Grammy screeching, "I _told_ you _not_ to use my good crockery to feed yer stupid gater!" Moments later, a short overall-clad man (who somewhat resembled Grammy) scrambled out into the shop, closely followed by a huge green alligator. The door slammed shut behind them. 

"Sorry, Grammy!" the small man shouted at the door. 

Megavolt and Quackerjack nodded at eachother, and they stepped forward. 

"Jambalayah Jake!" began Quackerjack enthusiastically. "I never thought I would meet you." 

"Eh?" responded Jake, regarding the two St. Canardians. "Hey!" he exclaimed suddenly, "I know you! You big time _city_ criminals! Oooo-weeLookie here, Gumbo!" he shouted to the gator, who had been sniffing at Mr. Banana Brain tentatively. "These boys done traveled a long ways jus' to see us!" 

"You bet we have," answered Megavolt. "Sowant a job?" 

"_Do_ I?" Jake threw his arms wide. "I only been trapped here in Grammy's Shop for an age! You boys get me out of here, I pay you back _real_ sweet, I _guar_antee!" 

Quackerjack frowned. "Why not just leave?" 

Jake shook his head. "Can't. Grammy'd hunt me down like a swamp rat on a holiday!" Gumbo emphasized the point by making rifle-shooting gestures. 

"How come?" 

Jake glanced at the closed back room door, then leaned in to whisper to the other two (who also leaned in): "I done messed up _real_ bad this last springtime, dropped a whole wagonload of Grammy's hex powders into the bijou. We done have fire-breathing crickets and toads round here for two months'most burned down the store. Now me and Gumbo got to stay here and work the day shift _and_ the night shift 'till we pay Grammy off. 'Till then we can't go noplace else." 

Quackerjack dismissed Jake with a wave of his hand. "Oh, that's easy," he assured everyone. "You just need an 'absent-from-school' type excuse, like...uh...we'll tell your grandma you've been drafted, or that there's a woman in Paraguay who knew you when you were kids and now she wants you to come live with her and her butler Hurrillo in her 53-room mansion on a hill overlooking the ocean...something like that." 

And so, a few minutes later, when Grammy stepped out of the back room to put a Victorian lamp on layaway for a customer, the stage had been set. 

"Eh? What's all this?" she demanded, blinking at the balloons and streamers that now decorated the inside of the small shop. 

"Congratulations, Jake," Quackerjack said loudly, pumping Jake's hand up and down in an exceedingly theatrical manner. "You and your alligator have won the grand prize!" 

"What grand prize?" Grammy strode forward, shredding streamers and popping balloons with her claws as she walked. "What are you weirdos talking about?" 

"Your grandson," Quackerjack explained, "was on a gameshow, and he won the grand prize." 

"_What_ gameshow?" 

"Uh..." Megavolt thought hard. "The...uh...The Gameshow Where People Win Stuff?" 

"Really?" Grammy beamed and clasped her hands together. "I _love_ that one!" 

"_And_," Quackerjack resumed, "he's won an all-expense-paid trip to lovely St. Canard! Off season, of course." 

"Why Jake!" exclaimed Grammy, hugging her grandson fiercely, "I'm so glad!" 

"Yyou are, Grammy?" Jake asked, astounded. 

"Yes!" Grammy pushed Jake away and pressed a piece of paper into his hand. "This here's a list of all the cityfolks in St. Canard who owe me money. Now you make yourself useful, y'hear?" 

"Yes Grammy," said Jake obediently. 

"Now all of yougit out of my shop!" 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Negaduck turned the page. 

So they had dodged his last booby-trap. Bahthat was an inferior bomb anyways. They wouldn't be so lucky next time. 

He turned to the next page. 

Thanks to this new manual, Negaduck knew he could build another bomba better bombone that would work for sure. 

"Thank goodness for the 'Dummies' books," Negaduck muttered to himself. 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Seven_**

"How did you find out about this place, Quacky?" 

Quackerjack shrugged at Megavolt. "Hey every college student's got to have a hangout." 

Moliarty blinked. "This is a 'Bombs 'n Stuff'." 

"Yeahpretty great, huh?" 

Tuskernini sniffed haughtily. "My dear fellows," he grumped, "I am an actor of the _highest_ calibre. I do not use..." He wrinkled his nose in distaste, "such crude props!" 

Quackerjack was miffed. "Hey, these aren't _crude!_" he protested. "They'rethey're uh..." 

"Wow these are cool!" shouted Megavolt, rummaging through a clearance bin. "A two for one sale!" 

"Yes indeedy!" chirped a portly saleswoman, appearing out of nowhere at Gumbo's elbow. "That bin is very popular with our _favorite_ customer!" And she gestured towards a framed photo of Negaduck labeled 'Preferred Customer of the Year'. "He just left, actually." 

"Negaduck was here?" Quackerjack frowned. "We'd better hurry. Ok, uh, give us two Big Boppers, three Richters, and one Boss." 

"Would you like those shipped, sir?" 

"We're in a bit of a hurry," explained Megavolt. "Better just gift-wrap them." 

"Woo-ee, we be packin' some _real_ strong stuff," whistled Jake as they walked back outside. Quackerjack absently stuffed the gift-wrapped explosives up his voluminous sleeves. 

"What's Step Two in your...illustrious plan, gentlemen?" Tuskernini inquired. 

"Step Two: we find out what big scheme F.O.W.L. is planning next, and get there first," answered Megavolt, walking to his car, which they had managed to recover from the impound lot. They had also managed to swipe the windshield from another car and stick it more or less in place. 

"We'll page Moliarty with the directions," concluded Quackerjack, sliding into the passenger seat. 

So they parted ways. Jake, Gumbo, Tuskernini, the three penguins, and Moliarty squeezed into the sedan (you can imagine), and they drove off. Megavolt and Quackerjack headed for the nearby University of St. Canard campus. 

"What do you mean seven dollars for parking?" Quackerjack demanded of the campus gate securityman. "That's preposterous!" 

Megavolt threw about a pound of quarters at the booth window and stamped on the gas. "Don't complain!" he hissed. "Do you want to call attention to ourselves?" 

After parking the bright yellow, red and blue electric car in Lot One, they got out and headed for the West Computer Lab. 

Quackerjack hmphed at the lab's throwback equipment. "With what people pay to go here you'd think they'd have some decent stuff." 

Megavolt poked Quackerjack in the arm. "Hey!" he said, pointing to a sign. "We have to show student ID to use this place." 

"I got it covered." Quackerjack sidled up to the workstudy student at the front desk. "Here you go," he said, producing two USC ID cards from his back pocket. 

The student took them without looking. "Terminals 6 and 7," he said, turning the page in his roleplaying game manual. 

"Whose IDs did you give him?" Megavolt wanted to know as they headed for their assigned computers. 

"Well one was mine," answered the clown, "and the other was one I picked up accidentally at a frat party. Your name is now Rosalita Carmen Espirita Smith." 

"Swell." They sat down and tapped their keyboards. "This is what you give me to work with?" Megavolt grumped as the screen saver struggled to switch off. 

Quackerjack shrugged. "Now you see why I never felt the need to repay my student loans," he said. 

"All right, all right." Megavolt went to work hacking into the F.O.W.L. mainframe. It took a while, but finally he managed to intercept an email from High Command, a message to Steelbeak titled: 'Do This Now.' 

"Got it," said Megavolt, hitting 'Print.' "Let's ride." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Darkwing scowled. 

What a week he was having! First his parade was ruined, then he got blamed for the fiasco at the St. Canard International Airport, _then_ those lunatics led him on a wild goose chase down to the bijou, where one of Launchpad's famous crashes caused him to miss them again just as they were leaving. He didn't know what they were up to, but one thing was clear: If he ever caught up with them they'd be _very_ sorry. 

"DW! DW!" cried Launchpad from below Darkwing's high-rise computer workstation. 

"Not now, LP, I'm stewing." 

"But DW," Launchpad pressed, "Megavolt and Quackerjack are at the University of St. Canard campus!" 

"What?" 

"They're on TV right now." 

Darkwing jumped down and ran to the television. The campus media club was filming one of their members in front of the campus mascot, a statue of a duck in Roman armor. A crowd of students were making ninnies of themselves for the camera in the background. Megavolt and Quackerjack, however, were dangling from the statue and attempting to toss water bombs upon the speaker, spurred on by the occasional cheer from the crowd. 

"Well what are we waiting for?" demanded Darkwing, jumping onto the Ratcatcher, which had seen better days. "Let's go!" 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Eight_**

The deliveryman checked his watch again. He frowned at it. "Them secret-agent-types is always late," he grunted to himself, lighting another cigarette. How much longer were they going to keep him waiting? 

He perked up at the sound of a car's tires crunching on the gravel around the corner. "It's about time." He pulled an envelope from his pocket and waited expectantly. 

"All right, you ready?" he heard someone whisper after the engine had been cut. 

"Yeah, yeah," answered a second voice irritably. "Let's get this thing and go, already." 

The deliveryman watched as a duck wearing a dark suit, as well as a fedora over a jester's cap, stepped around the corner. He was followed by a ratlike man wearing a similar suit as well as a fedora, out of which sprouted what looked like the prongs of an electrical plug. Both wore dark glasses. 

"You the agents?" 

Quackerjack and Megavolt nodded emphatically at the deliveryman. "That's us!" confirmed Megavolt. 

"Then," said the deliveryman, pulling the envelope from his pocket, "yous two are the lucky winners of our grand prize here." But before Quackerjack could take the offered item, something large and gleaming rolled down the alleyway. 

"Hey!" yelled Steelbeak from the F.O.W.L. armored tank. "Dat's _my_ grand prize! Boys!" 

About two dozen Eggmen scuttled out of the tank and headed for Megavolt and Quackerjack, guns drawn. 

"Not so fast!" shouted someone from another direction. Everyone stopped to look. It was about thirty people in conservative suits and sunglasses. The SHUSH logo was emblazoned on the fronts of their suits. "That envelope belongs in our custody," went on the woman who had spoken. "We submitted the proper forms first. We will be claiming our property now." And at her command the agents drew guns from their suits. 

"Um...uh oh," said Mr. Banana Brain (who was also wearing a dark suit, fedora, and sunglasses). 

"Great plan, Quacky," muttered Megavolt. 

"Time to go," said Quackerjack, grabbing the envelope. He and Megavolt ran back to the car, which Megavolt started quickly. 

"Hey! Come back here wit' my goods!" yelled Steelbeak. 

"Halt!" cried the SHUSH woman. "You neglected to sign for that!" 

"Go now, and go fast," instructed Quackerjack, putting on his seat belt this time. 

Megavolt plowed through the crowd of SHUSH agents on his way back to the freeway. The SHUSH agents quickly piled into a series of identical black cars and sped after them. On Steelbeak's order the Eggmen clambered back into their tank and they followed as well. 

"Oh, it will be no problem, hm?" scoffed Megavolt, merging mercilessly onto the freeway. "We can leave the others behind after all for this one, hm?" 

"Don't snap at me," snapped Quackerjack. "Hey, we got the thing, didn't we?" 

Megavolt changed lanes. "We haven't exactly gotten away yet," he reminded the clown. "We still have to" here he successfully managed to squeeze between two big rigs"shake them! Move it, Grandma!" he yelled, leaning on the horn. 

"Grandma, eh?" replied the elderly woman in the car Megavolt had honked at. She switched on her siren. 

"A cop!" exclaimed Quackerjack. "Nice going!" 

"Clam up," growled Megavolt. He stamped on the gas and swerved expertly around a Beemer. The yuppie inside barely had time to shake his fist before he was run off the road by the first of the SHUSH cars. The policewoman was joined by about a dozen more black-and-whites, which streamed out from behind billboards. 

"Argh!" fretted Quackerjack. "Megavolt..?" 

"Quiet, I'm working." Megavolt cut off a minivan full of nuns and claimed the carpool lane. 

Across the freeway, a Grand Opening banner flapped noisily over a new Hamburger Hippo stand. 

"And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for!" announced Gizmoduck. A robotic arm wielding a pair of scissors telescoped out of a plate in his chest and prepared to slice the banner in two. 

Gizmoduck paused as Megavolt's car whizzed past. 

"Hm," mused the superhero, "that vehicle seems familiar..." 

The SHUSH cars zoomed by. 

"My, there sure are a lot of hearses on the road today." 

The police cars wailed by. 

"The police!" Gizmoduck's scissors vanished back into his suit, and his wheel was replaced by a rocket. "Sorry, loyal citizens," Gizmo told the crowd, who drooped in disappointment, "but there is some justice in sore need of doing!" He fired up the rocket and flew off after the F.O.W.L. tank, which brought up the rear of the procession. 

"Don't look in the rear view mirror," Quackerjack warned when he saw the newest addition to their pursuers. 

"I'm a little busy," his companion remarked. The car began making a horrible grinding sound. "Come on!" yelled Megavolt, hitting the floor between himself and Quackerjack with the Club. The gears shifted and the car shot forward. 

Someone knocked on the window. 

Megavolt unrolled it. "What?" he asked Gizmoduck. 

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you two," replied Gizmo, cruising along beside the car. "You're going rather fast, you know." 

"You want me to pull over?" 

"Yes." 

"Okay." Megavolt swerved violently, sending sparks flying as he hit the railing. The sparks startled Gizmoduck, who failed to notice the bend in the road. He rocketed off into a brick wall and slid down into a canal. 

"Wow," breathed Quackerjack. "Do you _know_ how many points that was worth?" 

"There's a Road Menace score grid in the glove compartment." 

The squadron of SHUSH cars began to catch up, and a few of them attempted to pin the electric car to the side of the freeway. No amount of swerving would deter them. 

"They're gonna cut us off!" cried Megavolt. "And we can't go any faster!" 

Quackerjack was rifling through the glove compartment. "Don't you ever clean this thing?" he wanted to know. He pulled out a double handful of maps. "Are you afraid of getting lost or something?" 

"Quackerjack!" yelled Megavolt, "I don't care about the stuff in my glove compartment right now!" 

"You don't?" Quackerjack brightened. "Good! I'll just get rid of it, then." He rolled down the window. "Hey!" he shouted at the SHUSH cars, "anyone need Triple-A?" He tossed the maps out the window, and they promptly scattered all over the road, and especially all over the windshields of the SHUSH vehicles. The drivers panicked, hit their brakes, and managed to slam into one another. 

"That was a close one," sighed Megavolt, but was immediately cut off by a barrage of sirens. The police cars were gaining. 

"Pull over!" the elderly cop was announcing over a bullhorn. 

"Get off of the freeway!" suggested Quackerjack. "Maybe we can lose them on surface streets." 

Megavolt glowered. "We can't get off of the freeway, we're in the freaking carpool lane," he snapped. 

"There!" Quackerjack pointed up ahead. "There's a Carpool Only Exit Lane up ahead." 

So Megavolt took it. None of the police cars were in the carpool lane, and could not follow. It was about that time that the cops noticed the F.O.W.L. tank behind them. 

"Uh oh," said Steelbeak. He looked over his shoulder. "Reverse!" he yelled. The tank pivoted and fled back the other way, the police cars hot on their tailpipe. 

"About time," breathed Megavolt. He maneuvered the streets to hide in an alleyway. "I think it's time to regroup." 

Quackerjack had to agree. 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Nine_**

"I don't see themdo _you_ see them, DW?" 

"No." Disappointed, Darkwing lowered his gun. "Ooh," he said, popping his back. "Standing at the ready like that for forty-five minutes really does a number on your spine." 

"I wonder where they went." Launchpad scratched under his flight cap. 

"_I_ just wonder what's going on," complained Darkwing. 

"Excuse me," called a student parking officer, jogging up to the duo, "but are you the owners of a motorcycle with a duck's face on it?" 

"Yes," replied Darkwing. "She's a beauty, isn't she?" 

"I guess so," answered the student. "Anyways, she's being towed." 

"_What?_" Darkwing howled. "They can't do that!" He ran off towards the Roman statue, where he had left the Ratcatcher. "Stop!" he commanded the drivers of the tow truck, who ignored him. Finally he jumped onto the seat of the motorcycle and started it. After much screeching, he managed to free the Ratcatcher form the tow truck, which drove off. 

"Barbarians!" Darkwing shouted after the departing truck. 

"Hey DW," said Launchpad when Darkwing had finished shaking his fist, "Can we stop by the cafeteria for a minute?" 

Darkwing sighed. "I suppose so, LP," he said. "No need to hurry now." He dismounted the Ratcatcher and the duo walked into the nearby cafeteria. 

The cafeteria exploded. 

All the students in the area cheered. 

Darkwing and Launchpad exited the remains of the building, various foodlike substances adhered to their faces. 

"I think maybe we should find a sit-down restaurant," commented Darkwing. 

Launchpad wiped the stuff off of his bill and tasted it. "Yeah," he agreed. "What was I thinking? Cafeteria food is horrible." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Thanks again, Dr. Slug," said Megavolt, and he hung up the phone. 

"Well?" asked Tuskernini. 

"Did he understand the code?" pressed Moliarty. 

"You bet!" enthused Megavolt, jotting something down on the back of the papers he and Quackerjack had found in the envelope. "It's directions, to some sort of supersecret device." 

"Oooh!" said Quackerjack. "_That_ sounds big enough even for Negaduck." 

"Right," said Megavolt, putting the envelope and its contents into his pocket. "Now we gotta go to Duckberg." 

Quackerjack drooped. "All the way to Duckberg? But we only have" he checked his watch "an hour and fifteen minutes left before midnight!" 

"Well then gentlemen, we'd better hurry." Moliarty pulled his car keys out of his pocket. "Now, fellows," he addressed Tuskernini, Jake, Gumbo, and the penguins, "I trust there won't be any more horseplay this time around? I don't believe my upholstery can stand much more of it." 

"Ol' Gumbo was just hungry," Jake explained, patting the alligator on the snout. 

"Yes, better the car than us," agreed Tuskernini huffily. 

Cecil, Otto, and Dmitri nodded quickly. 

"Fine," said Quackerjack. "Let's go." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Well let's go then!" insisted Darkwing, hopping onto the Ratcatcher. "There's no time to lose." 

"But DW," said Launchpad worriedly. "How do we know it's not a trap?" 

"A trap?" scoffed Gizmoduck loudly. "Why, it couldn't possibly be a trap!" 

"And why not?" asked Darkwing, taking this opportunity to question the 'superhero's plan. 

"Well, because, ah..." Gizmo thought hard. "Because..." 

Darkwing folded his arms. "So how do we know then, that this information of yours wasn't planted?" 

Gizmo sputtered. "II don't know!" he cried at last. "I just know that I was tipped off that this device was in danger of being stolen." 

"Who tipped you off?" 

"Dr. Slug," answered Gizmo. "Right after he tipped off the police. He's trying to get in good with his parole officer." 

Darkwing frowned. "Do you suppose he might have tipped off anyone else?" 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Rats," said Steelbeak, hanging up the phone. "He told SHUSH. Now we'd better hurry." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

"Well, we hurried," complained Moliarty, putting the sedan in Park. "Now where are those two mental patients?" 

"I say we get out of this here land barge and find us some citizens to terrorize," suggested Jake, struggling with his seat belt, which Tuskernini had insisted that he wear. 

"Nonsense," countered the walrus, mopping his brow with a handkerchief. "Our coordinators specified most insistently that we remain in the vehicle." 

Moliarty raised an eyebrow. "And what glory do you suppose we are going to get out of this little caper, hm?" he asked his companions. 

"Well," began Jake, pausing from chewing on the seat belt which held him prisoner, "wouldn't we be _big_ time criminals if we nabbed that there supersecretwhatchamacallit?" 

Tuskernini pondered. "Yes," he began slowly. "But _those_ two! Why, they are slower than theatregoers in December!" 

"That's right!" agreed Jake, pounding a fist into a palm. "Let's go without them!" 

"No no no," Moliarty cried, holding up a hand. "We can't do that!" 

Tuskernini sulked. "Well why not?" he wanted to know. 

"Yeah," said Jake. "Why, you get us all raring to go and then you tell us no?" 

Moliarty sighed. "I agree that we should abandon our two...leaders," he explained. "But _they_ have the directions to the device!" He considered. "However, we _do_ know where they are taking it," he said at last. 

"Then," said Tuskernini, "let us away! We shall intercept the device and gain all the glory for ourselves." 

Jake pouted. "I wanted to go terrorize," he complained. 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Ten_**

"This time I definitely think it was stupid to leave the others behind," said Megavolt as he brought the car to a stop in a shadow. "What good is having a gang if you can't haul them around with you everywhere?" 

"I think you're missing the point." Quackerjack climbed out of the car and looked around. "The gang is to impress Negaduck. We don't want them in the way or anything. Besides, they're 'backup'." 

"Oh." Megavolt stood next to the clown. "This is the place, I guess." 

Quackerjack nodded. "Yep, big, dark, foreboding wherehouse...seems about right." 

"My kind of place." 

Megavolt and Quackerjack turned in surprise. 

"Negaduck!" exclaimed Megavolt nervously. "What are _you_" His voice trailed off as he caught sight of the colossal flamethrower Negaduck was waving. 

"You moronic nobs," growled Negaduck, taking a step forward. "You're like...you're like..._cockroaches!_" He shot a fireball at the duo, who managed to dodge. "I'll snuff you out, right here!" 

"Wait!" cried Quackerjack, panicked. "WeWe're about to steal something big, just like you told us to!" 

"Yeah, is that wrong?" 

Negaduck glared at Megavolt. "No, it isn't _wrong_," he said, suddenly condescending. "I just decided not to let you idiots back into the Five, that's all." 

Quackerjack gasped. "ButBut why not?" 

"Because I _hate_ you, that's why!" roared Negaduck, letting loose a barrage of fireballs. 

Megavolt and Quackerjack threw themselves on the ground. "So what are you going to be then, the Threatening Three?" Megavolt wanted to know. 

Negaduck shrugged and leaned on the flamethrower. "Maybe," he answered nonchalantly, "or maybe I'll find some _competent_ criminals for my gang." 

Quackerjack nudged Megavolt. "Told you Negaduck liked gangs," he hissed. 

"And now," went on Negaduck, aiming the flamethrower at the two cowering villains, "say goodbye" 

He was cut off by the sound of a tank rumbling to a halt. 

Steelbeak threw open the hatch. "Hey!" he shouted, "what are _yous_ clowns doing here?" 

Negaduck's eyes burned red. "I am _working!_" he roared, and promptly torched the rooster. Megavolt and Quackerjack crept away unnoticed. 

Steelbeak, ash-covered, coughed. "My suit!" he cried. "Why you...Get him!" he shouted, and a swarm of Eggmen emerged from auxiliary hatches in the tank. 

Negaduck fired his flamethrower at them, but it no longer worked. Angry, he tossed the useless weapon to the ground and slipped away into the shadows. 

"He's gone, Steelbeak," an Eggman announced after a minute of searching. 

Steelbeak finished brushing the soot off of his clothes. "Forget him," he said at last. "We have bigger fish to fry." He hopped out of the tank and headed towards the wherehouse, followed by his men. 

"They're going to get there first!" worried Quackerjack from where he and Megavolt hid behind a dumpster. 

"Not if we find a faster way in," countered Megavolt. He looked around. "There," he said at last, pointing to a window which was at least four stories up. There was no ladder. 

"Oh, all right," said Quackerjack sarcastically, "Just a moment while I put on my wings, okay?" 

Megavolt wasn't fazed. "Come on," he said, and he began to scale the wall, using its weathered cracks as leverage. 

Quackerjack watched in silence for a minute. "So, you do this often?" 

The electrical genius ignored the comment. "Hurry up," was all he said. 

"We'd better," agreed the clown at last, consulting his watch. He began to follow his companion. 

They reached the window about ten minutes later, and hauled themselves inside. 

Quackerjack examined his hands in distaste. "Oh sure, _you_ have gloves," he complained. "Now where?" 

"I dunno," admitted Megavolt. "This way." He picked a random corridor and headed down it. 

It was very dark, and they had to feel their way along the walls. More than once Megavolt complained that he couldn't just illuminate the hall. Finally they reached a railing. 

"There!" crowed Quackerjack as they looked over the edge into the main storage room below. He whistled. "Now _that's_ big!" 

It sure was. Whatever was under that tarp was approximately thirty feet high and a good fifteen feet wide. 

"But how are we gonna get it out of here?" demanded Megavolt. 

Quackerjack scratched his head. "How are _we_ gonna get down _there?_" he added. 

They were both forced to fall silent and duck out of sight when Steelbeak and the Eggmen marched into the wherehouse. 

"There it is, boys!" announced Steelbeak, gesturing to the tarp-covered object. "Now get that thing uncovered!" 

The Eggmen rushed forward. 

"Halt!" cried a female voice. 

The Eggmen froze, confused. 

"You cannot remove that tarpaulin without first undergoing the proper legal procedures!" went on the lead SHUSH agent, stepping out of the shadows. She was followed by the rest of the agents. 

"Oh look boys, its the Dopes in Black," smirked Steelbeak. "Now, I said _get that thing uncovered!_" 

The F.O.W.L. agents grabbed one end of the tarp and pulled. 

"You are not complying!" argued the woman. The SHUSH agents grabbed the other end of the tarp and pulled. 

"Oh geez," muttered Steelbeak, slumping. 

The tarp-pulling contest went on, with the Eggmen pulling in one direction while the SHUSH agents pulled in one, then another direction. The tarp slid off of the object, which turned out to be an immense armored truck. The agents kept pulling the tarp, however, and managed to maneuver themselves underneath where Quackerjack and Megavolt were hiding. 

The two villains looked at eachother. 

Steelbeak fumed. "Will yous knock it off?" he yelled, just before the sound of two people shouting "Geronimo!" caught everyone by surprise. 

Quackerjack and Megavolt landed on the outstretched tarp, and rolled off. 

"That was cool," Megavolt had to admit. 

"The truck!" shouted Quackerjack, and they ran quickly towards it. 

"Eh? Stop those whackos!" ordered Steelbeak. 

"Capture those two!" cried the SHUSH woman. 

Dropping the tarp, all the agents rushed the duo. 

Luckily, the two villains got inside and locked the doors just in time. "Okay, start it up and let's hurry back!" said Quackerjack, strapping himself in shotgun. 

"Um..." Megavolt looked around as he sat down in the driver's seat. "I don't see any keys. Drat! I could just jumpstart it if I only had any energy!" 

"Or I could get it going it if I had my Hilda Hotwire doll," Quackerjack fretted. "What do we do?" 

The windshield and windows began rapidly accumulating agents of both sorts, clamoring to get in. 

"Throw the parking brake!" cried Quackerjack, doing just that. 

The truck began to roll forward. Slowly. 

"Oh," said Megavolt in mock terror, "I fear we may burn up during reentry!" 

"Shut up," snarled the clown. He rubbed his bill thoughtfully. Then he snapped his fingers. "How could I have forgotten! You steer." He unstrapped himself and ran to the back of the truck. 

"Gee I don't think I can control it," Megavolt called over his shoulder. "What are you doing back there, anyways" He stopped when he heard the unmistakable sound of a fuse being lit. Slowly, he faced front and fastened his seat belt. 

There was an explosion and, propelled by the rockets Quackerjack had stuffed in the back of it, the truck shot forward and through the wall as agents scattered everywhere. 

The police who had been staked out outside the wherehouse yelled and fled in all directions as the truck bounced through their ranks in the direction of Darkwing, Launchpad, and Gizmoduck, who were clustered near a tree. 

"Ooh! Ooh!" cried Quackerjack, resuming his seat. 

"I know," replied Megavolt. "Bonus round." 

Launchpad and Gizmo took off in opposite directions. Darkwing, however, tried running away from the truck. He was nowhere near fast enough, however, and wound up with his back plastered to the truck's front grille. 

"Augh!" screamed Darkwing. 

"You," breathed Quackerjack in awe, "are the greatest Road Menace in the history of the world!" 

"Thanks," answered Megavolt. "Hold on." 

The truck, still propelled by rockets, jumped the rail of the freeway and started across the Audobon Bay Bridge, neatly plowing aside all traffic. The police, who had regrouped, tore after them. 

"We're gonna make it!" said Quackerjack triumphantly, noting that the time on the dashboard clock read 11:30 PM. 

"Of course we are," answered his companion. "What, you _doubted_ me?" 

Before the clown could answer, however, there was a loud clank from overhead. A SWAT team helicopter had landed on the roof. At that same moment, Darkwing managed to hoist himself up onto the hood. He clung to the windshield wipers, a menacing gleam in his eye. 

"You!" he yelled. "You two have been the bane of my _life!_ Stop this truck, right now!" 

A SWAT member, tethered to his helicopter, leaned over the windshield. "Stop this truck!" he ordered. 

"You heard them," shrugged Quackerjack, putting on his seat belt. 

"Right-o," answered Megavolt. He hit the brakes just as the SWAT member reached the hood. 

The sudden stop caused the helicopter to tumble forward, over the edge of the bridge, and towards the water. The startled SWAT member grabbed Darkwing's cape, and they were both pulled after it by the tether into the Bay. 

Megavolt released the brakes, and the rockets pushed them forward once again. But they had lost a lot of speed, and undoubtedly the pyrotechnics were beginning to die out. The police caught up to the truck, but could not get around the massive vehicle. 

"Halt!" cried the elderly woman over her bullhorn. 

Megavolt knew better than to try it a second time, however, and drove on. "Once we get off of this bridge," he pointed out, "they might be able to stop us." 

"Maybe it's time to find out what's _in_ this truck once and for all," said Quackerjack. He headed to the back compartment. 

"Quacky," called Megavolt after a few minutes of silence. "Quacky, what is it?" 

"Just a second!" came the reply. 

"I don't think we _have_ a second!" yelled Megavolt. They were very near the end of the bridge. 

Something began to rumble loudly, and with such force that the entire truck shook slightly. Then Megavolt heard the back doors of the truck being opened. 

"What are you _doing?_" he cried. There was the sound of what had to have been several hundred gallons of water pouring out onto the pavement behind them. 

Through the rearview mirror, Megavolt could see the police carsall of them, and the tanksbeing swept off of the bridge and into the Bay by the torrent of water, which appeared soapy. Quackerjack arrived back in the front and sat down. 

"Well?" Megavolt prompted. 

"Well what?" 

"Well what was back there?" 

"Oh." Quackerjack smiled. "You won't believe it..." he began, but had to stop to buckle himself in once again as Megavolt plowed through a partition in the freeway just off of the bridge. 

There was a roar from overhead, and both villains watched Negaduck's yellow, red, and black helicopter heading into the distance. "He's going ahead to meet us!" exclaimed Quackerjack. "We've still got a chance! But" he stared in horror at the dashboard clock"we're almost out of time." 

"We've _got_ to make it!" said Megavolt, praying that the rockets would last. "I like that dental plan way too much." 

"There's the factory!" cried Quackerjack, watching the helicopter land behind the building. "WeUh oh." 

"_Now_ what?" 

"How exactly are we going to stop?" 

Megavolt hadn't thought of that. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Back To Basics**  
_by  
C. "Sparky" Read_

**_Chapter Eleven_**

"Here they come!" announced Tuskernini. "Get ready!" 

"I'm afraid I am still not entirely clear on the plan," Moliarty piped in, his hand on the gear shift. 

Tuskernini humphed. "When they draw near, we hijack them," the walrus explained. "It's a very crude plan. How lucky of us our small friend here had the brainpower to think of it." 

"Whoo-ee!" agreed Jake. "You boys can thank me later. Right now, we've got us some supersecretthingamajugger to catch!" 

"All right gentlemen," Tuskernini said to his three helpers, "be sure to get this on tape. I'm sure we can find _some_ uncultured audience to view it." 

"Oh fellows," said Moliarty to the others, "they aren't stopping." 

"What's that you say?" asked Jake. 

"I said, they're not stopping." Moliarty switched the sedan into Reverse and hit the gas. 

"What are those insane asylum rejects _doing?_" cried Tuskernini. Gumbo and the penguins yelped in terror and clutched at what was left of the upholstery. 

In the truck, Megavolt and Quackerjack weren't nearly as panicked. 

"We can run right over that little car, right?' Quackerjack asked. 

"I think so," answered Megavolt, right before impact. 

The sedan proved to be more difficult an obstacle than Quackerjack and Megavolt had thought. When the truck hit it, it came to an abrupt stop and bucked violently, causing the large device in its back to rip right through the roof of the truck and go sailing straight up into the air. 

Shaken, Moliarty put the sedan in Park. 

"That's a take," whispered Tuskernini. 

"Say boys," began Jake, "what's that whistling sound?" 

The whistling turned out to be the device, which landed squarely on top of the sedan. 

"What is that thing, a gigantic washing machine?" wondered Megavolt as he and Quackerjack got out of the truck. 

"That's what the brochure says," answered the clown, waving a folded piece of paper. "Says it can wash up to one thousand secret agent uniforms in under twenty minutes." 

The washing machine filled up with soapy water. Moliarty, Tuskernini, Jake and the animals floated into view, looking very much like fish in an aquarium. 

"Well well well," droned Negaduck, stepping out of the factory. "Looks like you boys came through." He regarded the washing machine. "Although with _what_, I have no idea." 

Quackerjack clasped his hands together excitedly. "So we're back in the Five?" he asked eagerly. 

Negaduck rolled his eyes. "Ugh," he said. Finally he looked back at the two villains. "All right," he said at last. "Lucky for you the only other big villains in town are currently...in _that_ thing." He motioned towards the device. "Now go get cleaned up and regroup back here tomorrow night." He marched back into the factory and slammed the door. 

Megavolt stretched. "Well it's about time. I'm wiped out." 

"Yeah," agreed Quackerjack. "Hey, want to go get some coffee?" 

"Sure." 

They headed down the road. 

"I hope their coffee is better than what that machine of yours makes," Megavolt remarked. 

"You mean my top-of-the-line Italian cappuccino machine?" Quackerjack became a bit irritated. "You mean the one you _ruined?_" 

"Hey I didn't ruin it, that cheap foreign thing just busted." 

"Busted? _Busted?_ I'll show you bustedCome here!" 

"Back off, Quacky, you'll feel better after a triple espresso Mochalatte." 

"You think so?" 

"Yeah. Only, keep your tongue away from that thing that makes the frothIt kinda hurts." 

"Thanks for the warning." 

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

Darkwing hauled himself out of the Bay with great difficulty. He collapsed and lay there, panting. 

"There he is!" A reporter's microphone was thrust under Darkwing's bill. "Darkwing Duck, can you tell our viewers who is responsible for the tragedy on the Audobon Bay Bridge tonight?" Don Lockjaw insisted, grinning widely. 

Darkwing picked himself up tiredly. He looked around. On the edge of the bridge was Gizmoduck, posing heroically for the cameras. 

"He did it," he said. 

_Story copyright 1998 C. "Sparky" Read. _


End file.
